Kicking the Habit: Goodbye Caffeine and Nicotine!

Spring time has been a time of great change for me. I've been a caffeine addict for a while but now it's been over a week without any coffee the change has been amazing. I'm so much calmer and grounded that I cringe at the thought of how jittery I constantly was with caffeine flowing through my veins all day.

I also found that it has got me more in touch with my intuition. Being wired all day keeps me stuck in my head where thoughts start to flow out of control and I lose touch with my inner wisdom. One example is that at work I would be anxious throughout the day, and so whenever I had thoughts of finding a new job I would just say that it was fear distorting my perception of my job and that I just had to ignore it. After going to work without having any caffeine in my system, I was able to experience the day without any extreme anxiety but I felt that the job just did not satisfy me any longer and it is time to move on. One job that I applied for that involves helping isolated seniors and organizing activities for them and it looks amazing to me. I will put my full effort into trying to get this job for the summer. Exciting!

The other demon: nicotine. I've been addicted to cigarettes for about 3 and a half years now. I made a few effortless attempts at quitting for a few days but nothing serious. Today I am smoking my last cigarette and we will see where this takes me. I'll try to keep my progress here, I think interacting in the blog world will help keep my occupied in the evenings and help with the process.

I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and experience a day cigarette-free. I have the nicotine gum for when required but I intend to use this on a very short-term basis just until I feel a bit more comfortable. I look forward to being free from the cravings and obsessions and am curious what gifts will come along with this experience.

I hope all is well with everybody and you are enjoying whatever phase of your journey you are now on!

Letting go, moving forward

I haven't been posting much due to the stress of exam finals and watching my relationship crumble. Now I seem to have grounded myself so hopefully I can get back into the whole blogging thing.

After all my confusion, as can be seen in previous posts about my girlfriend, I finally decided to break up with her. I've had horrible breakups in the past that took me months to recover, but thankfully I seem to have grown enough to avoid the pain that I thought had to come necessarily after two people go their own ways.

I feel a new sense of freedom in my life, and am excited for the opportunity to explore new areas. I've experienced sadness as well, but my main feeling seems to be one of freedom. For this I am grateful. I choose to enjoy this new phase in my life and the learn whatever I can from my previous relationship. I will not get overly dramatic about it - we were together about 9-10 months - but for me this has been my longest and healthiest relationships. All my other ones were in my pre-rehab days , which were not particularly healthy to say the least.

I do feel an urge to jump into another relationship immediately, especially being at a big university where there is no shortage of potential partners. I hope that I let myself process the experience and allow myself time to get over the loss instead of jumping into another relationship before I am ready, but who knows when the right time will be. Relationships can be such an incredible learning experience - but they are far from being easy.

I love the feeling of entering a new phase in life. I'm in summer classes now so my schedule is different, and I can't wait to see what awaits me! Life is always changing so I choose to appreciate the novelty of new experiences instead of dwelling on how things were before. Things just get boring after awhile when they are always the same. I choose to be open to whatever this summer time has in store and to grow from the experiences that are to come.

I hope to stay more in touch with this wonderful blog community, now that I have more free time. And thank you all for the advice that you gave regarding my relationship, it is much appreciated.

Love Love Love

I really am cynical when it comes to the idea of love that most people have. I don't claim to know exactly what love is, but one thing I do know is that most people who do think they know what it is have a very distorted view.

This brings me back to my relationship issue with my girlfriend who once again was upset because I have trouble with the word "love" and prefer waiting until I am not so confused about what it means before saying it. I understand why someone would want to hear it, but I've explained ad nauseum why it is difficult for me and yet the same issue keeps coming up over and over again.

Here is the conclusion that I have come to:

After repeating many times that I do care about her and that it is the definition of love itself that confuses me, she continues to see it as me being directly confused about how I feel about her. I am sorry that she feels this way, but I told her that if she is going to keep get upset over something even though I explain that she is mistaken, there is nothing else I can do and it is up to her to change the way she is looking at things. She has the right to be upset if she wants to, but I will no longer hold myself responsible at all for her feelings. If I hold myself responsible for own, I will not put pressure on myself to deal with other people's feelings as well.

I don't want to go through another repetitive discussion like this. It is draining, leaves me with a headache, and doesn't get anywhere. I'm going to try to keep pressing the issue until we come to some sort or resolution or she decides that she can't accept the situation as it is. I don't want to continue with a partner who is constantly suppressing unhappiness about an issue like this, only to have it brought up every once in awhile and have the same unpleasant discussion every time. Obviously issues arise, but if this is something that won't go away then something must be done.

I choose to be responsible for my own feelings. I choose to come to some sort of resolution to this situation.

More Conscious Decisions

I'm enjoying the processing of seeing choice where there was no choice before. For a while I had been living completely blind, thinking of myself as a victim of circumstances and that I had been dealt a bad hand. Now I see more and more that there is cause and effect, with my choices creating the circumstances in my life that I experience.

Again I was feeling upset over something petty. I had plenty of reading left to do for my exam and I knew it would not be productive if I had lingering anger in the back of my mind. All my other fearful thoughts take enough place as it is! So all it took was one quick phone call, to tell the person that I did not want to say goodbye while we were unhappy, and all was well. Why should I remain in a negative state of mind over nonsense? There are more important things to use our energy for.

Another conscious choice I was able to successfully make had to do with work. My previous post stated that I was unsatisfied with work, and I was reminded that it is not the job itself but my perception that will decide the experience of it. After a particularly stressful day, I was so fed up with feeling that way that I told myself when I woke up the next time to go to work, I would have a good day. And I did. It was a complete shift in perception. Unfortunately it didn't last and I seem to have reverted back to my insane anxiety-feeding thought patterns, but I need only make the choice right now and experience my job however I want to.

Our minds are our own worst enemy. We are the ones who make ourselves suffer, nobody else. That means we are also the ones who make ourselves feel peace and joy. What do you choose?

Living with Uncertainty

As much as I may not want to admit it, uncertainty scares me. "Figuring things out" gives me a false sense of security, convincing myself that if I can predict exactly what is going to happen so that I will be prepared for it when it comes. Unfortunately, this is never the case. My mind attempts to time travel into the future, offering me illusory glimpses in an attempt to calm my nerves, offering me some guess as to what tomorrow or next week has in store, but in the end these lies do not offer me the comfort that I seek

Right now my uncertainty has to do with finding a new job. I'm a student, so it is not even like I have to worry about rent or food or anything like that. I just need a summer job to pay for my education and to have money to go out. So why am I so stressed? My current job is unsatisfying and there will not be enough work for the summer, so I'm trying to figure out what to do. When I do not have a source of income i feel like I am missing a part of me, and financial worries cause me unnecessary stress. I don't get it...I'm living with my mother most likely until I graduate...so what the hell is stressing me so much?

Besides my financial fears, I also worry about getting stuck in another job that makes me miserable. Most summer and part-time jobs are lousy - and maybe that is something I'll have to accept, but I keep wishing/hoping to find a job that is actually satisfying and makes me want to go into work in the morning.

It's amazing how not knowing what is to come can cause so much anxiety. I notice that I am always thinking one step ahead. Not far into my future, but always thinking about what my next action is going to be. How can this bring anything but stress? Really, trying to predict and plan for things that have not yet happened is impossible. No matter how much I try to convince myself, I simply can't have every single thing figured out and planned before I begin it. Some things I just need to surrender and let them happen like they are supposed to.

Today I choose to love uncertainty instead of fear it. I choose to find a job that satisfies me within the next week. Let's see if I really can create my reality....

So I really CAN choose how I feel

I've been having lots of discussions about the ability choose how we think and feel. While I can grasp this concept intellectually, that has done little to change my actual experience. This morning I was actually able to consciously decide that I didn't want to feel how I was feeling, and let go of it instantaneously. The situation was pretty insignificant, petty even, but the fact that I was able to immediately change my state of mind gives me confidence that this can be done no matter what the situation is.

I was getting ready for school in the morning, and my mother and I were both getting on eachother's nerves a bit. We get along very well but once in a while something small like this will happen. Anyways, I was about to leave feeling extremely irritated and I saw just how pointless it was to feel this way the entire day over something so small. Immediately I felt the urge to give her a hug and the feeling of anger literally melted away right that moment. Often I'll shrug these feeling off because in my head I'll convince myself that it is petty, but the feeling will still linger. This time it was completely gone and I felt extremely good for having been able to choose that I did not want to leave home feeling the anger.

A Course in Miracles describes a miracle as "a shift in perception from fear to love", and that there are no order in difficulties in miracles, so one is not harder or more possible than another. I really think this describes the situation perfectly, as my perception shifted and my emotional state changed with it. This also means that such a shift in perception is equally possible in any other situation, no matter how big or overwhelming it may seem. If the choice really comes down to our perception, then why should the situation matter? All we have to do is choose a different perception and the situation will improve as a result.

My story remains undramatic but it renews my faith that we really do have a choice. I love when I am able to actually experience the ideas that are often just stuck in my mind.

Trapped inside our own heads

It seems to me that we are victims of our minds. Our thoughts travel from one direction to the other and decide for us how we will be feeling. I know deep down that we can choose what we think and feel, but when the wheel starts spinning it seems to take on a life of its own.

One thing that confuses me has to do with what makes me feel good. When I'm on top of the world, so many positive thoughts are flowing through my mind and they all feed on eachother and lead to new wonderful thoughts. Although this is great, am I not still a victim of my mind, which just happens to be filled with positive thoughts now? The second a negative one comes in, can it not just begin to grow and suck me in with it? I don't think I am in the present moment if my stream of thought is still dictating how I will feel, without me consciously choosing the thoughts that come to me. The more I learn the more absurd our ways of thinking and perceiving seem but I can't honestly say I have done more than begin to chip away at my ego.

I don't want the bipolar ups and downs that come with relying on my thoughts. I seek the peace that comes from watching each thought rise and fall, observing them but not getting caught up in them. I'm so sick of thinking all the time. I wonder how many of the headaches and stomach aches that I get are from the stress of constantly thinking and analyzing and trying to figure everything out intellectually. It makes me think of those characters in movies who are very intelligent but insane at the same time, and I think that this is really what our mind can do to us. We value high intelligence but I think it often can be used against us to keep us further from the truth.

This moment I choose peace of mind. It is not "I think therefore I am". It is simply "I am".

Oh no...falling in love?

I've kept my guard up as long as I could in my current relationship, and now it's beginning to crumble. I've been scared of experiencing the euphoric love of a new relationship, worried that I might fall into dependence, but I'm getting the feelings again and there's nothing I can do. I guess this is a good thing, right?

I can't judge my feelings as right or wrong, they just are. All I can do is stay grounded and not let myself lose focus on all other aspects of my life. Are these feelings great? They sure are. Will they last for the rest of my life? Not likely. But I might as well enjoy this while recognizing it for what it is.

It's beautiful and scary at the same time. Beautiful because of the comfort of having somebody else to share your experiences with, but scary for the exact same reason. Relationships are a wonderful avenue of growth and learning about who you really are, but sometimes they can be so hard at the same time.

I don't want to be jaded about "love" or whatever feelings come with a relationship. Just because they have not turned out well in the past does not mean that I am doomed to unhealthy relationships for the rest of my life.

I choose to surrender this relationship and experience it with no expectations. I choose to let it grow into whatever it will become.

School learning vs. Spiritual learning

I've been having some inner turmoil recently with regards to my education. It seems as though there are two voices inside of me, each fighting for my full attention. On one side is university. I'm doing my psychology undergrad and have quite a ways to go before I'll be out of school. On the other side is my desire to learn and grow spiritually. It seems like the more I focus on one, the less motivation I have for the other.

During the Fall, when I started my degree, I seemed to have such a drive and enjoyed every second of the experience. But the problem is that my mind starts to think in the rational/logical way that they teach us at school. I begin to lose faith, and get more caught up with issues of the physical world. It's difficult when every single thing you are reading, day after day, is all about the brain and all kinds of research that is going on. I really do find psychology fascinating but I don't think learning about neurons and synapses will be useful for raising my own level of consciousness and helping those around me. My intention is to get my masters or PhD in counseling psychology so that I can help other people, but use a more spiritual/healing approach once I am able to start doing therapy. However, it's necessary to get through all the basics before I can get to that point...

In the past few months I began to get back into my spiritual books and meditate more consistently. Now class seems to be more of a drag, and when I'm studying for exams I look for any reason to distract myself. Maybe it's just because the school year is coming to an end, but sometimes I wish I had no responsibilities and could use all my time just to work on myself. Wishful thinking I guess?

I don't know if I'm complaining or ranting or what. But I do know is that I find it hard to balance these two completely opposing perspectives that happen to be the two biggest parts of my life at the moment.

Still, I can't deny that this whole experience called life feels like a great adventure into the unknown. Might as well have fun with it!

Thinking of moving to WordPress

Somebody recommended WordPress to me, so I thought it would be worth seeing what its like. I'm just looking for feedback to see which layout is preferred. If you would be willing to check it out and provide feedback, it would be much appreciated.

http://consc.wordpress.com

FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real

I'm currently reading the Conversations With God Trilogy, and came upon a definition of FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real. I usually find acronyms pretty cheesy but I thought that this perfectly describes that unnecessary torment that we put ourselves through. If we can just remind ourselves of this everytime that fear rears its ugly head, in whatever form, we can return to a place of peace. Some people say that fear is a necessary emotion to tell us when something is wrong, but I don't buy into that. If anything it can teach us that our THINKING is "wrong", in that it doesn't provide us with the complete joy and freedom that we are entitled to. We are all holy. We deserve nothing less than complete freedom from fear, anxiety, and all destructive emotions.

The trickiest part is catching ourselves when the mind starts spiraling into insanity and we feel our bodies begin to tense up. It doesn't take much, maybe a memory or a comment from somebody else, and our mind is catapulted out of the peaceful state it once was in, racing further from the present moment as the thoughts feed and build on eachother. Somewhere in this process of madness we need to say to ourselves:

"Don't believe this insanity. The ego thrives on fear, and wants to keep my perception distorted. I don't have to solve the problems that are swimming around in my head, I only have to remind myself that they do not exist"

The worst thing that we can do is get caught up in it and believe that we have to "solve" all the issues that are coming up in our head. It would be nice if this is possible but there are ALWAYS issues that can come up and stress us out. Life is too full of different people and events for there not to be a single thought you can think of that will be unpleasant. I don't care how important something is to you - the best solution can't come from a place of fear. We are not seeing truth when we are in such a state.

Instead of believing the illusion, move beyond it. Laugh at it. See the absurdity. I think we need a sense of humor in order to laugh at the rubbish we fill our minds with. We are spirit, experiencing reality from a limited perspective. It's all a big game, we can get caught up in its rules or see it for what it is and make it enjoyable. I choose to live in perfect peace and joy, nothing less. We are the makers of our reality, so lets start acting like it.

The Gifts of Addiction

I thought I would write about my own experiences with addiction after reading Mark's posts (part 1, part 2, part 3) about overcoming habits at The Naked Soul . Overcoming my addictions has played a defining role in who I am today, and after working through it I can look back and see the gifts that it had to offer. Loss of control is a very difficult thing to experience, but it forces us to take a look at our lives and make the necessary changes.

Throughout my life there have been many things I have done compulsively for some period of time. I've used the internet to hide from people, binged on food to numb my emotions, and latched on to partners thinking they brought me happiness. What brought me to me knees was my drug use, which started off innocently enough but eventually became my single reason for existing. I was pretty much depressed all the time and lacked any sort of social skills, so drugs provided the solution to both these problems. I would be full of life and energy, and could be around people without self-consciousness completely crippling me. It was my solution, and it worked - at first. I think that us one of the sneakiest parts of addictions, they really do allow you to forget about your problems for a short while. But it's like the credit card companies (which also happened to come after me thanks to my irresponsible behavior during that period), you have to pay back more than you took in the first place. And for me this involved my mind, my drive for life, my education, and my family. I put all these aside so that I could get escape.

My lifestyle didn't last for long. I'm still quite young, but after a few years of this I caved and asked for help. My mother was volunteering at a rehab center and I asked her if she could get me in. Within a couple of days I was packed and ready to go for 4 months. Rehab was probably the hardest thing I had to do in my life, but it was the most rewarding as well. I was forced to open up about my emotions, and learn how to be around people. I would isolate with books while in there but people would point it out to me so I couldn't always get away with it. I was also in a very unhealthy relationship at the time, and really most of my thoughts while staying there were about her, not the drugs. By being separated from her I was lucky that I was forced to deal with two major issues at once.

I left the rehab almost 3 years ago and have been doing wonderfully since then. We learned a lot of spiritual principles there and since then I have been trying to learn as much as I can. It really changed my entire perception of what life was all about - and now I am happier than I ever could have imagined. I've had to deal with a lot of anxiety since coming back out, but meditation, reading, and talking about what is bothering me have all helped me deal with this in a healthy way.

My point here is that the worst of times can bring about the best of times. During great struggles we can learn a lot about who we are. Addiction forces us to make changes if we want to overcome it. I'm extremely grateful because I was put in a position where I had to learn how to be happier or else I would not have made it through. So many people are able to coast through life at a very unsatisfying level but don't have any extreme situation to force them to question themselves.

Here is a list of some simple things that my experience has taught me:

1. It's okay to ask for help. In fact, this is a great thing to do. We need not be alone.
   
   
2. We can't always control what is going on around us, we can control how we react to it.
   
   
3. We need not be ashamed of our past. There are no secrets we need to keep in forever.
   
   
4. Life can be so beautiful if we do not have a distorted perception of reality. Many people call addiction a "disease of perception". I would say any thought that does not make us feel good comes from some kind of distorted perception.
   
   
5. We do not need anything outside of ourselves to be happy.

These are just a few of the main themes that come to mind. Really the whole thing has opened me up to a world of spiritual growth and seeking to learn, or remember, the Truth of who I am. I am glad to have here an avenue of expression. If anybody is experiencing similar loss of control - I know how hard it can be. Remember that it is never impossible to overcome, and there are many lessons waiting for you around the corner.

It would also be great to hear anybody else's experiences or ideas, so please share.

Allowing our Truth to Shine Through

My whole life I felt that I had to hide who I really was so that I could be accepted. All my beliefs and ideas were shaped by others - as long as they thought I was okay then I was okay. I will still succumb to this now but I am more aware of it and no longer want to be another drone who mindlessly goes through life believing the lies that they are told. I don't see comfort in blending in with the many, I see it now as self-betrayal. I no longer believe that letting others decide who I am will bring happiness. One of the most comforting things I have come to realize is:

Almost everybody is as scared as I am. Some people hide it better than others, but most people have an underlying feeling that "something is wrong" with the reality they experience

I want to grow, to evolve, to become more aware of all the beauty that surrounds me. I want to dive into the mystery that is life, and not tell myself that I have all the answers. I want to become aware of the truth beneath the illusion, and not be fooled by the the world as I see it now. I want to know God, not the man in the sky but the observer within.

Who is going to tell me how I should be? Who is in a position to do that? There are few people I would want to emulate, and the ones I admire have all created their own path. We have no guidebook for life. The rules that society wants us to follow will make us miserable.

We are the only ones who can decide for ourselves, and this is the intention that I set for myself today.

Don't believe the Fear

We all experience fear. In a world where the future remains completely unknown, it can be difficult to avoid worrying about what is going to come next. No matter how well we prepare ourselves, there can always be surprises that overwhelm us. It's becoming more clear to me that most of this time any fear or stress that I experience tends to be about something that either does not happen, or ends up being much less unpleasant than I had imagined it to be. If only we can remind ourselves this when we are in the middle of the worry, we could overcome it more quickly and prevent unnecessary suffering.

Today was a gathering at a family member's place in memory of her father who had recently passed away. I was told about this yesterday and immediately felt the fear of having to be present and not knowing how to handle myself in this kind of situation. It wasn't a horrible situation that I was expecting, but even small things like this can cause me worry. The first stress that I created was trying to decide whether or not to go. I tried looking for ways to justify staying home instead, to avoid having to face any awkwardness of having to be around my family under these circumstances. After making the decision there still remained the stress of the event itself. There were no monsters, murderers or horrible people waiting for me to arrive, only family members who I have seen many times throughout my life. I don't think the situation itself matters, it's our interpretation of it and the feelings this creates.

How did the experience turn out? It was very nice. I felt comfortable around people, and got to see people I haven't spoken to in a long time. I was able to offer my condolences, knowing how good it felt at my grandfather's funeral when other people came to pay their respects. The experience itself was much more enjoyable than I could have expected, and I was no in rush to leave.

Once again I was surprised that my predictions were wrong, although this happens so often that it should finally sink in to my stubborn mind. There are sometimes when I feel fearful that I am able to remind myself not to buy into it, but most of the time it is overwhelming and I get sucked in. Fear can't live in the moment, it requires projection into the future in order to survive. If the moment is accepted and experienced as it is, what is there to fear? Whatever is happening is happening, there is no analysis or judgment or predictions. The future is unknown and letting our mind travel there is what fills us with fear.

The two things that help me deal with fear are:
1) Meditation
2) Reminding myself that it is an illusion

I prefer meditating daily to prevent extreme anxiety instead of using it only when I am really stressed, but I'm sure it can work either way. When I do feel stressed what really helps the most is if I can convince myself that the fear is not real. If I can remember all the other times that I felt the exact same way and things didn't turn out bad, then I can be with the feeling without getting sucked into it and let it pass on its own.

We all experience so much unnecessary fear in our lives. Every time we work through it we are stronger and have more confidence to deal with it the next time it arises. Lets not let it control us.

What is love?

I'm pretty confused about what it means to love somebody. I've recently been having discussions with my girlfriend because of me being hesitant to use the word "love" to describe how I feel about her. I really do care about her and and am happy in my relationship, but I think I'm being cautious because of my past experiences and my previously distorted beliefs about what love is.

My past relationships were dependence and neediness. I was unhappy with my life and they filled the void that I couldn't fill myself. Especially my last one was more of an addiction than a loving relationship, and getting out of it was probably one of the most painful experiences of my life. This is why I'm hesitant to describe anything as love, I don't want to misuse the word like I used to.

A lot of what I have read described romantic love as a temporary "high" that wears off and later leaves room for the possibility of true love once reality sets in and you are grounded again. This is an idea that I lean toward now, but I'm not sure if this satisfies me. I like the spiritual teachings of there only being one real love that is unconditional and is not only for our intimate relationships. It is the love of God, or the universe, or whatever you want to call it, which we can access when overcoming all the fear that obscures it from our awareness. It is always there, only waiting to be uncovered. This takes away the idea of either being in or out of love with somebody, allowing us to sometimes be acting out of a place of love while other times it remains more covered up. This makes love a process of growth, where we can continue to become more loving beings without it having to be an all or nothing concept.

I just don't want my past experiences to make me cynical about what love is. I'm trying to be true to myself without letting fear decide what I feel.

If anybody else has something to share on this it is more than welcome.

Response to Dean

This is in response to a post on Dean's blog, where he responded to some comments I made about organized religion. The original post can be found here, and his reply to my comments here. This is not meant to be any kind of war of of beliefs, we just both see things differently. I wish to understand his view and make mine more clear at the same time. His comments are in italic with my responses underneath.

"Well, I don’t recall ever saying anything about being “spiritual” being weaker than being religious. What I argued was that to claim a vague sort of spirituality unbounded by the strictures of traditional religion places the self in a position of ultimate authority making one’s “spirituality” little more than narcissistic self-congratulation."

Yes I think that the self is the ultimate authority, as we are each living our own lives and will experience the results of the choices we make. I don't see the self as an individual entity but really a "collective" self encompassing all beings. Beyond the physical level we are all connected and this unified self can become the ultimate authority. We can get closer to this source, making what our "self" desires more into alightnment with what benefits everybody. Science is proving that there is no separation between us and our environment as well, the observed is not independent of the observer.

"Brian seems okay with the notion that the self, rather than the deities of any of the various traditional religions, should occupy this place of authority. Brian believes that even morality is subject to the whims of the self. Read his blog. It’s obvious."

I don't disagree with this. Where we may differ is on what we consider the "self" to be, as I stated above. Are there individual selves or is there unity underneath what we perceive to be separate individual people? As our awareness grows, I believe we become more and more in touch with the oneness of us all, and our actions will change as a result of it. So instead of harming those around us, one who is more aware will choose not to because he knows that he is only harming himself and does not think such actions will create anything worthwhile , not because he believes it to be morally wrong. Those who choose harmful actions are less "evolved" you can say, and think it is possible to be hurting somebody other than themselves without it affecting them. If we hurt the environment our health suffers, if we say hurtful words we suffer mentally/emotionally afterwards...I think it is all cause and effect, not punishment for our actions. I prefer to avoid certain actions because I see them as harmful to myself and others, not because I think they are inherently "wrong". Likewise, I don't want somebody to be nice to me because they think it is "right", but because they truly want to be.

"In the second sentence of this first paragraph Brian engages in a little overt proselytizing for his position when he claims that those who allow the self to pick what it finds most appealing from various religious traditions have chosen a life that requires greater strength than do the lives undertaken by the pitiful schlubs who hold to traditional faiths. It appears Brian has not considered the possibility that living out the demands of a traditional faith requires enormous effort."

"I wonder what Brian would say to someone who asserted that a long process of “thinking for himself” had led to the conclusion that in order to live a life of moral and intellectual honesty one cannot simply “decide for yourself what is right” but must deal with the various religious traditions as whole, integrated systems of thought that cannot be broken apart, shuffled together and reassembled according to the dictates of the fickle self."

I don't argue that living a religious life does not take effort. My belief is that the process of self-discovery itself, where one decides what they believe to be true or false, requires more effort when you make decisions on an issue by issue basis. Organized religion has already put together a system for one to adhere to. Instead of deciding that you believe in this or I believe in that, you decide to believe in "Christianity" or "Islam" which then has a belief system in place for you. And if the beliefs of a specific religion happen to be beliefs that you have come to agree with through a process of deciding for yourself what feels right, then it is the same process as the non-religious path. The only difference is that the conclusions you came to happen to be neatly organized from one source instead of many.

I also do not see what is wrong with breaking apart integrated systems of thought. Without this, all we have left at our disposal are the ideas that have already been created, which severely limits the progress we can make. Think about social issues and environmental issues. If we were to be limited to what has currently been put forth in these areas then the world would remain a very dysfunctional place. Why does religion and spirituality have to be any different? Why can't we continue to evolve, come up with new ideas, and put them together in different ways?

"As Brian sees it there are only two ways a person comes to adhere to traditional religious belief, he chooses what most appeals to him or he mindlessly acceptswhat has been given to him by others. There is a third option Brian leavesunconsidered. He seems not to notice the fact that many people adhere to their religion because they believe its claims are true, that they have investigated the reliability of its tenets and been satisfied.

For Brian, truth is a quality determined solely by the individual will. From his perspective we “make it up as we go along.” If you believe it, it’s true, Brian reasons. Of course,this principle applies to every claim except the claim that we don’t, in fact, make it up as we go along."

I think this is where this is some confusion between us. My idea of what "appeals to me" is what you would describe as the 3rd option. I don't see these as two separate ways. If one comes to believe in a specific religion after being satisfied with its claims, then I believe that is the same process as one who integrates ideas from many different sources after being satisfied by their validity. In a book I read recently by the Dalai Lama, he insisted that Buddhists need to change some of their beliefs as a result of certain scientific discoveries that have contradicted them. I think this shows that it is possible to have a certain faith and still be open to knowledge that comes from outside of it. Take for example the supposed discovery of Jesus' tomb. I am not saying it is real or not, but I know some Christians who will deny it's validity without even giving it a second thought. Why? If this was my faith I would want to look into it and see if maybe I was wrong. Again I'm not arguing for the reality of this discovery, just my observation that some people will refuse to give new information a chance before rejecting it.

And yes, I do believe right and wrong to be created as we go along. I think right and wrong are valid concepts when looking at the results we wish to achieve by a certain action. I consider going to work "right" because it provides me with money that I need. I consider cutting my wrists "bad" because I do not wish to die, not because it is immoral. I don't think right and wrong is are moral concepts for which we will be judged if we violate certain rules.

"Why should Brian hope he doesn’t sound judgmental? Surely, he does not believe being judgmental is wrong. He’s already on the record declaring nothing is right or wrong. Nevertheless, I suspect Brian does indeed believe being judgmental is morally wrong in spite of the way holding this belief is a flat contradiction of his claim that the categories right and wrong don’t exist. My guess is that Brian believes his acts of judgment are morally neutral or positive, but when a traditional Christian engages in a similar act of judgment, that person is guilty of “judgmentalism”, a great evil in Brian’s book, no doubt.

By claiming he hopes he doesn’t sound judgmental, Brian clearly hopes to move forward with the pronouncement of his judgment of me and my ideas while insulating himself from the possibility that he could himself could be engaging in “judgmentalism.” "

I do not wish to sound judgmental if being judgmental is not my intention. It has nothing to do with morality. If my intention were to be judgmental, then this is what I would want it to be interepreted as. I disagree with your ideas but I don't judge them to be "bad", and I may see them as "wrong" only in the sense that they are not ideas that personally would bring me joy and happiness. They may have a different result for you.

"I had assumed my comments about carob and incense and massages would be ludicrous enough that no one could mistake them for anything but what they were intended to be: jokes. Unfortunately, Brian took these humorous stereotypes to be the basis of my argument. They weren’t. They were only a bit of levity to open the piece.

In his total embrace of subjectivism, his rejection of truth as independent from his own desires, his willingness to create a personalized pastiche from the tenets of traditional religions held together by no adhesive stronger than his preferences, and his commitment to the ultimate authority of the self, Brian typifies the mental landscape of the majority. What he has expressed in his comment is the same vision of reality we find every day on Oprah, in the pages of glossy magazines, and in countless other venues. It is a popular and rarely questioned perspective Brian has chosen to parrot. I would have expected more from a man so proud of thinking for himself."

They are jokes, sure. But I think that those jokes along with your comments about Oprah seek to take away any serious validity that spiritual beliefs may have. "Pop" spirituality isn't representative of everybody who seeks to learn and grow outside the confines of religion. It's like taking Dr. Phil and saying that this is what psychology is all about.

Popularity of a belief doesn't mean anything either. According to the Religious Tolerance
website, there are over 2 billion Christians worldwide. I'm sure they are not all practicing Christians, but this would more accurately describe what the majority believe in. I still think it is irrelevent.

We're both taking leaps of faith here when it comes to what we believe in. Your beliefs will create a certain experience for you, and mine will create a different one for me. Neither of us is right or wrong, but we both have the ability to choose what we wish to experience in our lives.

I guess I'm not perfect

I often tell myself that I am not afraid to admit when I make a mistake, but sometimes its just painful bitting your lip and accepting what somebody is telling you instead of responding out of anger and blaming them for a certain situation. I don't like the idea that I am not perfect, that I don't always do what I am supposed to, or that I sometimes do things I'm not supposed to. I prefer to maintain an image of myself is completely flawless, an amazing human being that achieves everything he wants with minimal effort! Unfortunately this is far from the truth, and each time somebody points out a minor flaw, or if I notice one myself, my opinion of myself drops off for awhile until I can readjust my perception.

Why is it so hard to accept imperfections? I think for me it has to do with my way of looking at things as right or wrong. If there is a right and wrong way to be, then of course I will sometimes fail to make the right choice. If instead I see any choice that I make, even if it is considered a "mistake", as an opportunity to learn, then really it isn't a mistake at all. Maybe making this choice in one situation can allow me to learn from it and prevent me from making it in a future situation that would have had far worse consequences.

I like the idea from Conversations With God about each choice we make being to decide who it is we want to be. It is nothing more than that. There is nothing to be judged or condemned. If we don't like the results of our actions, then we know that they do not create a version of ourselves that we like. We can then make another choice the next time. There is no need to be harsh with ourselves.

On a less spiritual level, really sometimes all I want to do when somebody accuses me of anything less than angelic behavior, is to retaliate and put the blame on them somehow. Even if it involves bringing up past events that are not connected, these thoughts flow through my mind. I'm a fairly mellow person so I will rarely explode and actually say these things, but they do flow through my mind so the potential is there. Today this happened over a very minor situation but it still made me feel not so great about myself. My instinct was to justify and rationalize, but I knew I had no argument so I had to humble myself.

I think it just comes down to being able to see ourselves as we really are, without judgment or condemnation. This can allow us to change the aspects we don't like about ourselves instead of denying that they exist. And I know for sure I can come up with a few things that I wouldn't mind changing...

My Resentments Toward Religion

I try to be open about other people's beliefs but I seem to have a lot of difficulty taking religious views seriously, with Christianity in particular because it is so prevalent here. To be honest just the mention of the Bible of of Jesus and I get disgusted with it. My family never really brought me to church and the spirituality that I tend to believe in isn't really based on any particular religion. Everything here is really just my opinion from what I see in religion, even though I am really not an expert in their teachings.

What exactly is it that bothers me about religion? I see it as a prepackaged set of beliefs that prevents people from thinking for themselves and causes many of them to live in constant fear of burning in hell for all eternity. Churches say that God is loving and all-powerful, yet we are to be punished if we do not live up to his standards. Doesn't this strike anybody as petty, that God needs us to worship him and do everything he asks, despite him having given us free will? There is no free will when you can make your own decisions as long as they are what God wants you to do. Otherwise, see you in hell. How can this sort of belief bring anybody happiness? It seems more like we created God in our own likeness, instead of the other way around. Are we really so arrogant to think that our own actions are so important that the one who supposedly created us all needs us to act in a certain way?

Something else that really bothers me is that religion sticks its head into social and health issues, under the justification that God wants things a certain way. One example that comes to mind are sextuplets that were born recently and they needed blood transfusions. The parents were Jehovah's Witnesses and refuses the treatment because it went against their beliefs, so the doctors went ahead and did it anyways. The parents then wanted to take the doctors to court. How can any body even begin to justify denying medical treatment because God says it is wrong, how does this even because a debatable issue? Why does God want innocent babies to die when they could easily be provided with the medical treatment required? When it comes to abortion, however, life suddenly becomes sacred once against and mothers who abort their pregnancies are looked at as murderers. I don't see how forcing mothers who will be unable to properly raise a child is in the baby's best interest. How about young girls who are raped and then told that they are murderers because they choose not to have to give birth to a child of the man that raped them? Do they not have any rights as well? And lets not forget about the evils of contraception...sex is a dirty dirty thing and we should be ashamed of our bodies.

Fear seems to be a great motivator for religions, as it keeps people dependent on them. The churches claim to be the only way to find God, otherwise we will never find salvation. God forbid we are encouraged to create our own spiritual beliefs and find our own path in life. We are weak on our own and will cave in to the temptations that the devil has put in our paths. This is such a simplistic childish fairytake that keeps people living in fear and I get angry just thinking that people actually accepting this stuff. I get so judgmental even though I know that it is the judgment of religion that bothers me, but I often can't help myself. The idea of Satan and God battling for my soul is just such a ridiculous idea in my mind, but I can't even begin to imagine what kind of tormented life people must live when they are worried about this from day to day.

I know that my views of religion often come from resentment, and that this does not make the situation any better. I am also aware that many people have religious views and find my beliefs just as absurd as I find theirs. I don't like what I see religion doing to people I know and I don't like what I see it creating across the globe. There is so much war and killing in the name of God that religion seems to offer much more harm than good.

I hope that I learn to accept religion, and by doing so work on my own growth. Maybe that is what its purpose for me will be, because I don't think staying angry about it will benefit me or others. All I can do is focus on myself and try to respect what other people believe in. Easier said than done...

Acceptance

It seems like some days you just feel horrible and others seem to have a nice glow to them. What is interesting though is that it doesn't always seem to have anything to do with the events that occur, but the thoughts that are going on inside our heads. Yesterday for example, I felt like the day was never going to end and I just couldn't wait to finish my classes. I was getting anxious sitting there, having to focus, and time seemed to pass much slower than usual. The day itself was like any other, the only difference was me. This is a pretty normal experience, but what it really means is:

How we feel depends not on the events of the day themselves, but how we choose to respond to them

Really this is a simply idea. I wake up in the morning and from that moment on there are infinite choices that I must make throughout the day that add up to my total experience of it. The present moment is always changing, always creating new situations and circumstances. I find that in my own life when I feel the worst is when I am resisting things as they are. I want to be doing something different, be somewhere else, or be with a different person. This is one important choice we make each moment:

1) Accept the moment
2) Resist the moment

Whatever it is thats bothers us in the moment is either within our power to change or not. If it isn't, then why bother stressing over it? It's like that saying "what you resist persists". If I struggle against something it will push back stronger. If I am able to accept something, it will either continue without bothering me or it may even change on its own. From a place of acceptance I can make the effort to make the changes that I want with no attachment to results. At that point it doesn't really matter because I am at peace already.

Why is it so hard to accept things? I think that for me I often get a sense of satisfaction from thinking that I am right. If only things were the way I think they should be then everything would be perfect. This is an extremely arrogant attitude when I think about it, but one that many people have at times. I also think that acceptance is often mistaken for weakness. Our society teaches us to go for what we want and never give up until we get it. Everything is a battle, a fight to be won. The war against cancer, war against drugs, war against obesity. These kinds of attitudes just add fuel to the fire. Acceptance doesn't mean we can't try to change things, but trying to make that change from a place of anxiety and desperation is not the most effective way.

Just think of those people who just seem to flow through the day without being bothered by everything going on around them. Not those who suppress it and say they are okay, but those who are truly at peace and don't seem to put up a fight against everything. That is how I strive to be.

Beliefs and Self-Identity

People have a tendency to be very attached to their beliefs, which has been the cause of much conflict and suffering. It is seems absurd writing about my belief that beliefs are meaningless, but I'll go for it anyways. Why must it be so difficult to understand that we need not always prove that we are right, and come to understand that everybody is acting based on what they believe to be right, which is no more or less valid than our own belief?

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS RIGHT AND WRONG. WE MAKE IT UP AS WE GO ALONG

At first the idea seems arrogant, even selfish. Who are we to decide the rules of life? Who are we to know what is best for ourselves? But the reality of things is...there really IS no set definition of what is right or wrong. It is something we learn from families, our culture and our laws. We are in many cases following blindly instead of thinking for ourselves and realizing that some of the things we take for granted are completely absurd. Things that were illegal years ago are now accepted, like women voting. Other things that used to be acceptable are now looked upon with disgust, like slavery. Who is to say we have hit the end of the road and the laws we follow today will be with us until the end of time?

It is all completely a matter of perspective. People's experiences create certain beliefs and a set of values that they will live by. These beliefs then filter our perception of the world in a way that can support our beliefs. So lets say my belief is that the world is a dangerous place. My mind will tend to notice events to confirm this belief and so reinforce it. This cycle can continue leaving you very narrow-sighted. Believing the world is a peaceful place will create a completely different experience of it. Which belief should be deciding what is right and wrong?

Beliefs and Self-Identity

Our ideas of right and wrong are based on our beliefs, which as I said often have less depth than we may think. This is my belief as well, which came to me from books I've read, people I've spoken to, personal experiences, etc. How can this have anything to do with who I am, if it is simply a product of my experiences? Another person may have stumbled upon different books and different people and come up with completely different beliefs. So basically we're bouncing around like ping pong balls picking up information here and there to internalize it and say "this is who I am". This is not who we are.

Who are we then?

We are spiritual beings. There is no "I am this" or "I am that". There is only "I am". Nothing external can define us. We feel the need to define ourselves by our ideas and beliefs, but this is all part of physical realm which is not our true reality. Underlying everything we see and think exists a realm of spirit where we are untouched by the daily turmoil of everyday life. This is who we are. This part of ourselves can't be harmed in any way.

I believe life is about getting closer and closer to this aspect of ourselves. Too bad I don't believe in beliefs....

Meditation 101

Meditation has been one of the greatest gifts that I've been able to incorporate into my life. I tend to be a pretty anxious person and meditating has been one of the tools that I've been using to overcome stress. I'm not an expert by far but I've been doing it enough to see that it provides results and is something that everybody can do.

The biggest excuse I hear for not meditating is that they don't have the patience. This is the whole point...if one was able to sit in silence and focus their attention on something for long periods already then nobody would need to meditate. Our minds are constantly filled with useless thoughts that cause us stress and suffering because we are unable to tune out from the constant noise. It's really ridiculous when you think about it. No matter where we go, the mind continues to ramble on offering us little reprieve. This is where meditation comes in.

Personally I don't think the technique matters that much. There as so many and its up to the individual what works for them. Really its not about finding the perfect technique, it's about PRACTICE. Consistency is key, and I strongly believe that if you pick a technique and stick with it then the benefits will come. There's different ways like focusing on the breath, repeating a mantra, visualization, using recorded guided meditation, so there is something for every taste.

For my own meditation practice, I sit cross-legged with my eyes closed using pillows to get comfortable. I try to focus all attention on my breath. The feeling of it passing through my nostrils, the feeling of my chest going in and out. Thoughts continue to come but the goal is to return your attention to the breathing whenever you notice that you are drifting off. No matter how many times you drift off, do not get discouraged. You can literally get distracted every 2 seconds. It doesn't matter. This is the point you can build from and gradually be able to focus for longer periods of time. I am still continuously distracted but I stop myself from seeing this as failure and just continue on once I notice.

People talk about seeing lights and all this nonsense, which may be true for them I suppose but meditation was never a light show for me. I try to get that feeling of serenity, even if it lasts only a few seconds, where I'm not a victim of my mind. The great thing is that as one practices more and more, the benefits get greater and greater. It's not like a mind altering substance that you build up a tolerance to, but a practice that can grow with you and evolve over time. Most people are looking for ways to feel better in all the wrong places, when learning how to control the mind can literally affect how one feels in all aspects of their life. I like to think of it as a general tonic that is good for any sort of mental or emotional suffering.

All it takes is a bit of effort to start, and once you begin to feel the benefits you will never want to give this up. Whatever time you can manage to fit in, it will be worth it. I try to do it early in the morning but often I'll have to wait until night before I am able to. The key is to make this a daily habit. I'm sure meditating only in times of crisis can bring relief as well, but I want this to make me feel better everyday and prevent extreme situations from happening in the first place.

Good luck to anybody who decides to give it a try, it's a beautiful thing.

The Secret

My intention is for this site to evolve into whatever it is meant to. I don't really know what the purpose of this site will be, but I'm hoping that will become clear as time goes on. At the least, it will hopefully be somewhere I can express myself and where interesting discussions can take place. Actually maybe the very least I should hope for is that this not be my one and only post and that I don't then I forget about this whole thing.

The theme that interests me most has to do with spiritual growth and how we can achieve it. I don't claim to be some spiritual guru or anything like that. I'm far from perfect but have an interest in growing in ways that can bring peace to myself and make me helpful to those around me. The world is far from ideal and I think it is at the level of our consciousness that things can change.

I just watched the movie "The Secret" yesterday. I wonder if using pirated videos off the internet is okay if they are spiritual? Anyways, I thought it was really great. I was falling asleep by the end only because of exhaustion not because of boredom, and I recommend this film to anybody who feels they lack control in their daily lives. I was kind of hesitant at first because I thought it might be some popular fad for a while, which it may be, but I did feel some sort of inspiration by the end of it.



The theme has to do with our thoughts and feelings being magnetic, so that what we are thinking and feeling is what we will attract into our own lives. This goes against the popular belief that our thoughts/feelings are dependent on our external circumstances, so if this is actually true I suppose it is quite an important thing to be aware of, no? One example from the film was from a man who cut out a picture of a beautiful house from a magazine and his intention was to live in a place like that. So he would focus on the picture, imagine himself living there, how he would feel, how he would be thinking. The point was to act as if you did already have what you want, and it will manifest in your reality. If you act as if you want it, then the universe will reflect back the "wantingness" of it, instead of the "having" of it. So he went on with this and eventually did end up in a house similar to the one he had strived for. What was most amazing though, was that later on when he looked back at the picture he was using to inspire him, he saw that he was actually in that very house. It wasn't a similar one, it was the actual house that was in the picture. That seems pretty amazing.

I think this idea is a beautiful philosophy, and I hope to test it out. If this truly is the way the universe works, then I guess the most difficult part is training ourselves to be able to think in ways that create what we desire instead of creating the experience of wanting it. But if you look around there are certainly people who have ambition and seem to make it while others struggle for everything they get. Could this be the difference, instead of bad luck?

The film did tend to have a slightly materialistic focus, on achieving wealth/success. It did, however, say that this is a result of positive feelings/thoughts, not the cause of them. Still, it is tempting to try to materialize a winning lottery ticket....