Love Love Love

I really am cynical when it comes to the idea of love that most people have. I don't claim to know exactly what love is, but one thing I do know is that most people who do think they know what it is have a very distorted view.

This brings me back to my relationship issue with my girlfriend who once again was upset because I have trouble with the word "love" and prefer waiting until I am not so confused about what it means before saying it. I understand why someone would want to hear it, but I've explained ad nauseum why it is difficult for me and yet the same issue keeps coming up over and over again.

Here is the conclusion that I have come to:

After repeating many times that I do care about her and that it is the definition of love itself that confuses me, she continues to see it as me being directly confused about how I feel about her. I am sorry that she feels this way, but I told her that if she is going to keep get upset over something even though I explain that she is mistaken, there is nothing else I can do and it is up to her to change the way she is looking at things. She has the right to be upset if she wants to, but I will no longer hold myself responsible at all for her feelings. If I hold myself responsible for own, I will not put pressure on myself to deal with other people's feelings as well.

I don't want to go through another repetitive discussion like this. It is draining, leaves me with a headache, and doesn't get anywhere. I'm going to try to keep pressing the issue until we come to some sort or resolution or she decides that she can't accept the situation as it is. I don't want to continue with a partner who is constantly suppressing unhappiness about an issue like this, only to have it brought up every once in awhile and have the same unpleasant discussion every time. Obviously issues arise, but if this is something that won't go away then something must be done.

I choose to be responsible for my own feelings. I choose to come to some sort of resolution to this situation.

More Conscious Decisions

I'm enjoying the processing of seeing choice where there was no choice before. For a while I had been living completely blind, thinking of myself as a victim of circumstances and that I had been dealt a bad hand. Now I see more and more that there is cause and effect, with my choices creating the circumstances in my life that I experience.

Again I was feeling upset over something petty. I had plenty of reading left to do for my exam and I knew it would not be productive if I had lingering anger in the back of my mind. All my other fearful thoughts take enough place as it is! So all it took was one quick phone call, to tell the person that I did not want to say goodbye while we were unhappy, and all was well. Why should I remain in a negative state of mind over nonsense? There are more important things to use our energy for.

Another conscious choice I was able to successfully make had to do with work. My previous post stated that I was unsatisfied with work, and I was reminded that it is not the job itself but my perception that will decide the experience of it. After a particularly stressful day, I was so fed up with feeling that way that I told myself when I woke up the next time to go to work, I would have a good day. And I did. It was a complete shift in perception. Unfortunately it didn't last and I seem to have reverted back to my insane anxiety-feeding thought patterns, but I need only make the choice right now and experience my job however I want to.

Our minds are our own worst enemy. We are the ones who make ourselves suffer, nobody else. That means we are also the ones who make ourselves feel peace and joy. What do you choose?

Living with Uncertainty

As much as I may not want to admit it, uncertainty scares me. "Figuring things out" gives me a false sense of security, convincing myself that if I can predict exactly what is going to happen so that I will be prepared for it when it comes. Unfortunately, this is never the case. My mind attempts to time travel into the future, offering me illusory glimpses in an attempt to calm my nerves, offering me some guess as to what tomorrow or next week has in store, but in the end these lies do not offer me the comfort that I seek

Right now my uncertainty has to do with finding a new job. I'm a student, so it is not even like I have to worry about rent or food or anything like that. I just need a summer job to pay for my education and to have money to go out. So why am I so stressed? My current job is unsatisfying and there will not be enough work for the summer, so I'm trying to figure out what to do. When I do not have a source of income i feel like I am missing a part of me, and financial worries cause me unnecessary stress. I don't get it...I'm living with my mother most likely until I graduate...so what the hell is stressing me so much?

Besides my financial fears, I also worry about getting stuck in another job that makes me miserable. Most summer and part-time jobs are lousy - and maybe that is something I'll have to accept, but I keep wishing/hoping to find a job that is actually satisfying and makes me want to go into work in the morning.

It's amazing how not knowing what is to come can cause so much anxiety. I notice that I am always thinking one step ahead. Not far into my future, but always thinking about what my next action is going to be. How can this bring anything but stress? Really, trying to predict and plan for things that have not yet happened is impossible. No matter how much I try to convince myself, I simply can't have every single thing figured out and planned before I begin it. Some things I just need to surrender and let them happen like they are supposed to.

Today I choose to love uncertainty instead of fear it. I choose to find a job that satisfies me within the next week. Let's see if I really can create my reality....

So I really CAN choose how I feel

I've been having lots of discussions about the ability choose how we think and feel. While I can grasp this concept intellectually, that has done little to change my actual experience. This morning I was actually able to consciously decide that I didn't want to feel how I was feeling, and let go of it instantaneously. The situation was pretty insignificant, petty even, but the fact that I was able to immediately change my state of mind gives me confidence that this can be done no matter what the situation is.

I was getting ready for school in the morning, and my mother and I were both getting on eachother's nerves a bit. We get along very well but once in a while something small like this will happen. Anyways, I was about to leave feeling extremely irritated and I saw just how pointless it was to feel this way the entire day over something so small. Immediately I felt the urge to give her a hug and the feeling of anger literally melted away right that moment. Often I'll shrug these feeling off because in my head I'll convince myself that it is petty, but the feeling will still linger. This time it was completely gone and I felt extremely good for having been able to choose that I did not want to leave home feeling the anger.

A Course in Miracles describes a miracle as "a shift in perception from fear to love", and that there are no order in difficulties in miracles, so one is not harder or more possible than another. I really think this describes the situation perfectly, as my perception shifted and my emotional state changed with it. This also means that such a shift in perception is equally possible in any other situation, no matter how big or overwhelming it may seem. If the choice really comes down to our perception, then why should the situation matter? All we have to do is choose a different perception and the situation will improve as a result.

My story remains undramatic but it renews my faith that we really do have a choice. I love when I am able to actually experience the ideas that are often just stuck in my mind.