Thursday, March 15, 2007

The Gifts of Addiction

I thought I would write about my own experiences with addiction after reading Mark's posts (part 1, part 2, part 3) about overcoming habits at The Naked Soul . Overcoming my addictions has played a defining role in who I am today, and after working through it I can look back and see the gifts that it had to offer. Loss of control is a very difficult thing to experience, but it forces us to take a look at our lives and make the necessary changes.

Throughout my life there have been many things I have done compulsively for some period of time. I've used the internet to hide from people, binged on food to numb my emotions, and latched on to partners thinking they brought me happiness. What brought me to me knees was my drug use, which started off innocently enough but eventually became my single reason for existing. I was pretty much depressed all the time and lacked any sort of social skills, so drugs provided the solution to both these problems. I would be full of life and energy, and could be around people without self-consciousness completely crippling me. It was my solution, and it worked - at first. I think that us one of the sneakiest parts of addictions, they really do allow you to forget about your problems for a short while. But it's like the credit card companies (which also happened to come after me thanks to my irresponsible behavior during that period), you have to pay back more than you took in the first place. And for me this involved my mind, my drive for life, my education, and my family. I put all these aside so that I could get escape.

My lifestyle didn't last for long. I'm still quite young, but after a few years of this I caved and asked for help. My mother was volunteering at a rehab center and I asked her if she could get me in. Within a couple of days I was packed and ready to go for 4 months. Rehab was probably the hardest thing I had to do in my life, but it was the most rewarding as well. I was forced to open up about my emotions, and learn how to be around people. I would isolate with books while in there but people would point it out to me so I couldn't always get away with it. I was also in a very unhealthy relationship at the time, and really most of my thoughts while staying there were about her, not the drugs. By being separated from her I was lucky that I was forced to deal with two major issues at once.

I left the rehab almost 3 years ago and have been doing wonderfully since then. We learned a lot of spiritual principles there and since then I have been trying to learn as much as I can. It really changed my entire perception of what life was all about - and now I am happier than I ever could have imagined. I've had to deal with a lot of anxiety since coming back out, but meditation, reading, and talking about what is bothering me have all helped me deal with this in a healthy way.

My point here is that the worst of times can bring about the best of times. During great struggles we can learn a lot about who we are. Addiction forces us to make changes if we want to overcome it. I'm extremely grateful because I was put in a position where I had to learn how to be happier or else I would not have made it through. So many people are able to coast through life at a very unsatisfying level but don't have any extreme situation to force them to question themselves.

Here is a list of some simple things that my experience has taught me:

  1. It's okay to ask for help. In fact, this is a great thing to do. We need not be alone.

  2. We can't always control what is going on around us, we can control how we react to it.

  3. We need not be ashamed of our past. There are no secrets we need to keep in forever.

  4. Life can be so beautiful if we do not have a distorted perception of reality. Many people call addiction a "disease of perception". I would say any thought that does not make us feel good comes from some kind of distorted perception.

  5. We do not need anything outside of ourselves to be happy.

These are just a few of the main themes that come to mind. Really the whole thing has opened me up to a world of spiritual growth and seeking to learn, or remember, the Truth of who I am. I am glad to have here an avenue of expression. If anybody is experiencing similar loss of control - I know how hard it can be. Remember that it is never impossible to overcome, and there are many lessons waiting for you around the corner.

It would also be great to hear anybody else's experiences or ideas, so please share.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank-you so very much for sharing a portion of your life with us! You have had such a wonderful opportunity to learn so many important lessons! You had to go through what you did, to get to the path you are on today. Wonderful path that you are on! You provided an excellent outline of some of the lessons that you learned on your journey so far.

Brian said...

Thanks Mark. It seems like no matter how much you change, it just makes you aware of other areas that require growth as well. Better than remaining blind to them though...

Constance said...

Brian,
Thank you for that insightful and wise post about your experience with addiction. It runs true for me as well, only my addiciton has been to romantic relationships, rather than a substance addiction.
The 5 things your experience has taught you also help me. I am trying very hard to cahnge, and know there is much work ahead. With the cyber-help of people like you who have been there/done that, and survived to emerge for the healthier, I see light at the end of the tunnel...

Brian said...

Thank you Annie. Addiction to relationships is a difficult thing. Substance abuse pretends to be pleasure, but relationship addiction pretends to be love. I'm always here if ever you have something you would like to discuss.

M said...

brian thank you for sharing this. and yes, i do believe that we grow and learn the most from the most painful times in our lives. and so true, the growing, learning, spiritual path does seem like the never ending plate of spaghetti sometimes...the more you devour, the more there is...