Oh no...falling in love?

I've kept my guard up as long as I could in my current relationship, and now it's beginning to crumble. I've been scared of experiencing the euphoric love of a new relationship, worried that I might fall into dependence, but I'm getting the feelings again and there's nothing I can do. I guess this is a good thing, right?

I can't judge my feelings as right or wrong, they just are. All I can do is stay grounded and not let myself lose focus on all other aspects of my life. Are these feelings great? They sure are. Will they last for the rest of my life? Not likely. But I might as well enjoy this while recognizing it for what it is.

It's beautiful and scary at the same time. Beautiful because of the comfort of having somebody else to share your experiences with, but scary for the exact same reason. Relationships are a wonderful avenue of growth and learning about who you really are, but sometimes they can be so hard at the same time.

I don't want to be jaded about "love" or whatever feelings come with a relationship. Just because they have not turned out well in the past does not mean that I am doomed to unhealthy relationships for the rest of my life.

I choose to surrender this relationship and experience it with no expectations. I choose to let it grow into whatever it will become.

Allowing our Truth to Shine Through

My whole life I felt that I had to hide who I really was so that I could be accepted. All my beliefs and ideas were shaped by others - as long as they thought I was okay then I was okay. I will still succumb to this now but I am more aware of it and no longer want to be another drone who mindlessly goes through life believing the lies that they are told. I don't see comfort in blending in with the many, I see it now as self-betrayal. I no longer believe that letting others decide who I am will bring happiness. One of the most comforting things I have come to realize is:

Almost everybody is as scared as I am. Some people hide it better than others, but most people have an underlying feeling that "something is wrong" with the reality they experience

I want to grow, to evolve, to become more aware of all the beauty that surrounds me. I want to dive into the mystery that is life, and not tell myself that I have all the answers. I want to become aware of the truth beneath the illusion, and not be fooled by the the world as I see it now. I want to know God, not the man in the sky but the observer within.

Who is going to tell me how I should be? Who is in a position to do that? There are few people I would want to emulate, and the ones I admire have all created their own path. We have no guidebook for life. The rules that society wants us to follow will make us miserable.

We are the only ones who can decide for ourselves, and this is the intention that I set for myself today.

Don't believe the Fear

We all experience fear. In a world where the future remains completely unknown, it can be difficult to avoid worrying about what is going to come next. No matter how well we prepare ourselves, there can always be surprises that overwhelm us. It's becoming more clear to me that most of this time any fear or stress that I experience tends to be about something that either does not happen, or ends up being much less unpleasant than I had imagined it to be. If only we can remind ourselves this when we are in the middle of the worry, we could overcome it more quickly and prevent unnecessary suffering.

Today was a gathering at a family member's place in memory of her father who had recently passed away. I was told about this yesterday and immediately felt the fear of having to be present and not knowing how to handle myself in this kind of situation. It wasn't a horrible situation that I was expecting, but even small things like this can cause me worry. The first stress that I created was trying to decide whether or not to go. I tried looking for ways to justify staying home instead, to avoid having to face any awkwardness of having to be around my family under these circumstances. After making the decision there still remained the stress of the event itself. There were no monsters, murderers or horrible people waiting for me to arrive, only family members who I have seen many times throughout my life. I don't think the situation itself matters, it's our interpretation of it and the feelings this creates.

How did the experience turn out? It was very nice. I felt comfortable around people, and got to see people I haven't spoken to in a long time. I was able to offer my condolences, knowing how good it felt at my grandfather's funeral when other people came to pay their respects. The experience itself was much more enjoyable than I could have expected, and I was no in rush to leave.

Once again I was surprised that my predictions were wrong, although this happens so often that it should finally sink in to my stubborn mind. There are sometimes when I feel fearful that I am able to remind myself not to buy into it, but most of the time it is overwhelming and I get sucked in. Fear can't live in the moment, it requires projection into the future in order to survive. If the moment is accepted and experienced as it is, what is there to fear? Whatever is happening is happening, there is no analysis or judgment or predictions. The future is unknown and letting our mind travel there is what fills us with fear.

The two things that help me deal with fear are:
1) Meditation
2) Reminding myself that it is an illusion

I prefer meditating daily to prevent extreme anxiety instead of using it only when I am really stressed, but I'm sure it can work either way. When I do feel stressed what really helps the most is if I can convince myself that the fear is not real. If I can remember all the other times that I felt the exact same way and things didn't turn out bad, then I can be with the feeling without getting sucked into it and let it pass on its own.

We all experience so much unnecessary fear in our lives. Every time we work through it we are stronger and have more confidence to deal with it the next time it arises. Lets not let it control us.