Love Love Love

I really am cynical when it comes to the idea of love that most people have. I don't claim to know exactly what love is, but one thing I do know is that most people who do think they know what it is have a very distorted view.

This brings me back to my relationship issue with my girlfriend who once again was upset because I have trouble with the word "love" and prefer waiting until I am not so confused about what it means before saying it. I understand why someone would want to hear it, but I've explained ad nauseum why it is difficult for me and yet the same issue keeps coming up over and over again.

Here is the conclusion that I have come to:

After repeating many times that I do care about her and that it is the definition of love itself that confuses me, she continues to see it as me being directly confused about how I feel about her. I am sorry that she feels this way, but I told her that if she is going to keep get upset over something even though I explain that she is mistaken, there is nothing else I can do and it is up to her to change the way she is looking at things. She has the right to be upset if she wants to, but I will no longer hold myself responsible at all for her feelings. If I hold myself responsible for own, I will not put pressure on myself to deal with other people's feelings as well.

I don't want to go through another repetitive discussion like this. It is draining, leaves me with a headache, and doesn't get anywhere. I'm going to try to keep pressing the issue until we come to some sort or resolution or she decides that she can't accept the situation as it is. I don't want to continue with a partner who is constantly suppressing unhappiness about an issue like this, only to have it brought up every once in awhile and have the same unpleasant discussion every time. Obviously issues arise, but if this is something that won't go away then something must be done.

I choose to be responsible for my own feelings. I choose to come to some sort of resolution to this situation.

Oh no...falling in love?

I've kept my guard up as long as I could in my current relationship, and now it's beginning to crumble. I've been scared of experiencing the euphoric love of a new relationship, worried that I might fall into dependence, but I'm getting the feelings again and there's nothing I can do. I guess this is a good thing, right?

I can't judge my feelings as right or wrong, they just are. All I can do is stay grounded and not let myself lose focus on all other aspects of my life. Are these feelings great? They sure are. Will they last for the rest of my life? Not likely. But I might as well enjoy this while recognizing it for what it is.

It's beautiful and scary at the same time. Beautiful because of the comfort of having somebody else to share your experiences with, but scary for the exact same reason. Relationships are a wonderful avenue of growth and learning about who you really are, but sometimes they can be so hard at the same time.

I don't want to be jaded about "love" or whatever feelings come with a relationship. Just because they have not turned out well in the past does not mean that I am doomed to unhealthy relationships for the rest of my life.

I choose to surrender this relationship and experience it with no expectations. I choose to let it grow into whatever it will become.

What is love?

I'm pretty confused about what it means to love somebody. I've recently been having discussions with my girlfriend because of me being hesitant to use the word "love" to describe how I feel about her. I really do care about her and and am happy in my relationship, but I think I'm being cautious because of my past experiences and my previously distorted beliefs about what love is.

My past relationships were dependence and neediness. I was unhappy with my life and they filled the void that I couldn't fill myself. Especially my last one was more of an addiction than a loving relationship, and getting out of it was probably one of the most painful experiences of my life. This is why I'm hesitant to describe anything as love, I don't want to misuse the word like I used to.

A lot of what I have read described romantic love as a temporary "high" that wears off and later leaves room for the possibility of true love once reality sets in and you are grounded again. This is an idea that I lean toward now, but I'm not sure if this satisfies me. I like the spiritual teachings of there only being one real love that is unconditional and is not only for our intimate relationships. It is the love of God, or the universe, or whatever you want to call it, which we can access when overcoming all the fear that obscures it from our awareness. It is always there, only waiting to be uncovered. This takes away the idea of either being in or out of love with somebody, allowing us to sometimes be acting out of a place of love while other times it remains more covered up. This makes love a process of growth, where we can continue to become more loving beings without it having to be an all or nothing concept.

I just don't want my past experiences to make me cynical about what love is. I'm trying to be true to myself without letting fear decide what I feel.

If anybody else has something to share on this it is more than welcome.