I really am cynical when it comes to the idea of love that most people have. I don't claim to know exactly what love is, but one thing I do know is that most people who do think they know what it is have a very distorted view.
This brings me back to my relationship issue with my girlfriend who once again was upset because I have trouble with the word "love" and prefer waiting until I am not so confused about what it means before saying it. I understand why someone would want to hear it, but I've explained ad nauseum why it is difficult for me and yet the same issue keeps coming up over and over again.
Here is the conclusion that I have come to:
After repeating many times that I do care about her and that it is the definition of love itself that confuses me, she continues to see it as me being directly confused about how I feel about her. I am sorry that she feels this way, but I told her that if she is going to keep get upset over something even though I explain that she is mistaken, there is nothing else I can do and it is up to her to change the way she is looking at things. She has the right to be upset if she wants to, but I will no longer hold myself responsible at all for her feelings. If I hold myself responsible for own, I will not put pressure on myself to deal with other people's feelings as well.
I don't want to go through another repetitive discussion like this. It is draining, leaves me with a headache, and doesn't get anywhere. I'm going to try to keep pressing the issue until we come to some sort or resolution or she decides that she can't accept the situation as it is. I don't want to continue with a partner who is constantly suppressing unhappiness about an issue like this, only to have it brought up every once in awhile and have the same unpleasant discussion every time. Obviously issues arise, but if this is something that won't go away then something must be done.
I choose to be responsible for my own feelings. I choose to come to some sort of resolution to this situation.
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18 comments:
There are some people who love too easily and therefore think they have fallen in love even when they haven't, and there are also some who are afraid of love and commitment. The question is, how and when do we know it's love? I think you just have to trust your heart. You'll know love when you feel it. If you're not feeling it, it's not love. Just be careful not to mistake it for lust, which is VERY easy to do. I think one of the signs of love is an obsession of sorts, where you simply can't get that person out of your mind for months or years, so maybe it takes what we call time. Some people want to hurry into relationships. How can they be sure of anything when they rush into it? Many people feel they have fallen in love, get married after a short period of time, only to soon realize they really don't love each other, and get divorced.
Brian I can totally understand where you are coming from. I take such matters very seriously and don't want to profess love if I'm not sure of it. You have to be true to yourself it's the only way you can be true to anyone else. You are taking the right step in acknowledging that you are not responsible for her feelings. Good for you!
Sophia,
I agree lust is easy to mistake for love! Maybe I'm being too over-analytical over what love actually is, I don't know. I find emotional issues so confusing, but thats life I suppose.
Desiree,
Thank you. It really is important. I think balance is needed though, because I tend to think that nobody who says they love eachother actually does! How did I get so jaded at my age? Take care
There are those that say they love and don't but mostly I think people fail to see that love moves and changes shape and if two people are in love they have to be willing to bend with that energy. Love is not something you find and then hold. Love is something that needs constant care and tending. Love often fails because people don't understand that love is never static. It is dynamic! Most of us just want to get our hands on it and keep it somewhere safe but that is not how one handles love. It needs space to breathe and grow and it needs constant nurturing. But Brian please don't ever doubt that it exists!
This is a very tricky one. It reminds me of a girlfriend I had many years ago who kept on at me all the time to tell her I loved her, but I didn't feel I could say it because I wasn't sure I felt it. Then one day, I did start to feel it! I was overjoyed and I told her I finally loved her. Her reaction was to lose interest in me overnight and start sleeping around...
Not that I'm suggesting the same thing would happen with your girlfriend, you understand, but it does highlight the dangers in all this.
The trouble is that most people in our society treat relationships as a transactional thing, and saying those words 'I love you' is part of the deal. It's what you're expected to say if you don't want to be alone. Your girlfriend is trying to abide by this convention, only she feels she's missing out because you're not holding up your part of the contract. You're supposed to say 'I love you'. It's what people do.
You, on the other hand, are trying to have an entirely honest relationship in which you say exactly what you mean and what you mean matters. That's not the way things are normally done, hence the confusion.
I admire your honesty and determination, I really do - though at the same time it would be a shame if your relationship eventually fails because of this one misunderstanding.
Only two things I can think of which might help:
1) While sticking to your determination to be honest, reassure her as much as you can. You've told her you care for her. It may be that you care for her more than anyone else, or more than anyone else you have ever gone out with. These statements may not be true, in which case you won't want to say them, of course, but if they are true then tell her. Go as far as you can to express your affection while still being honest.
2) Get hold of some books by spiritual/self development writers about the kind of real, honest relationship you want to have. I wish I could think of an obvious one to suggest, but you may want to check out Nick Roach and Eckhart Tolle on the subject. (Links on my site.) Then share these with your girlfriend. It should help her to understand where you're coming from, and may get her more into self-development stuff herself if she's not already, which might be another plus for your relationship.
I hope some of that makes sense. I feel kind of nervous talking about someone else's relationship like that but I'm sure you will ignore anything you think is rubbish. Good luck to you both!
Brian,
You are correct, you are not responsible for your girlfreinds feelings or emotional state.
I will say that I think both of your are hung up on a word, not a feeling. Your girlfriend sees the word "love" as an assurance of how you feel about her and you see the word "love" as a deep committment which has some confusing meanings.
The bottom line for both of you is to not get hung up on the word. You should both be aware of what you are feeling towards each other. You know how you feel, you know if you see a future in this relationship, you know if there is another path that you want to take. It is your responsbility to be completly honest about how you feel and what your intentions are. It is your girlfriend responsibility to do the same and to concede that saying "I love you" does not make it so, nor does it truly express your intentions.
Be true to yourself and honest with her.
Desiree,
Thank you, I enjoyed your description of what love is to you.
Secret Simon,
Thank you for your reply. You are right, she described the situation as "unconventional".
I really like your book idea. I have trouble expressing it myself so a good book will be able to make more clear exactly what is going on in my head.
Mark,
Thank you I always appreciate your input. I do feel that this is getting repetitive and really just coming down to a simple word, I am just trying to be as honest as I can about it.
Take care!
Love has so many different meanings to different people. First and foremost is the love you have for yourself. If you have just a touch of that, you would know what love means to you, how it feels, and how you can identify it.
Feelings & emotions are not so clear cut... Good luck!
Love is a simple thing to define...assuming that we let go of our preconceptions of it.
Love is the acceptance of someone elses right to be...without conditions.
That's it...nothing fancy or necessarily romantic (though romance can be a part of it). Just acceptance.
If you accept someones right to be anything they choose at any time...then you love them enough to give them absolute freedom.
it is so very difficult to not feel responsible for someone else's feelings or reactions though, isn't it? I find myself on both ends of this coin...but it is happening less less these days though.
It's about learning compassionate detachment...owning your own feelings and letting go of the outcome.
Your feelings are your feelings...her feelings are hers. They are separate...period.
It does get hard sometimes, though. I know.
I think everyone comes around to the idea of "love" at their own time. Pushing it or pressuring someone for it to come won't make it come any faster. That really isn't how that sort of thing works.
Forgetful God,
I like your definition. Although I'm not sure if I have yet achieved such a state of completely accepting somebody..
Reiki 4 life,
It is difficult! I think it is also partly the ego, convincing ourselves that we can decide how other people feel.
The thinker,
I agree. Being pressured to do something often keeps it from happening as well, in my experience.
Lucid,
Thank you! It does seem difficult to love oneself at times. But unless we can do so we can't accept love from others either..
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