Thursday, March 8, 2007

What is love?

I'm pretty confused about what it means to love somebody. I've recently been having discussions with my girlfriend because of me being hesitant to use the word "love" to describe how I feel about her. I really do care about her and and am happy in my relationship, but I think I'm being cautious because of my past experiences and my previously distorted beliefs about what love is.

My past relationships were dependence and neediness. I was unhappy with my life and they filled the void that I couldn't fill myself. Especially my last one was more of an addiction than a loving relationship, and getting out of it was probably one of the most painful experiences of my life. This is why I'm hesitant to describe anything as love, I don't want to misuse the word like I used to.

A lot of what I have read described romantic love as a temporary "high" that wears off and later leaves room for the possibility of true love once reality sets in and you are grounded again. This is an idea that I lean toward now, but I'm not sure if this satisfies me. I like the spiritual teachings of there only being one real love that is unconditional and is not only for our intimate relationships. It is the love of God, or the universe, or whatever you want to call it, which we can access when overcoming all the fear that obscures it from our awareness. It is always there, only waiting to be uncovered. This takes away the idea of either being in or out of love with somebody, allowing us to sometimes be acting out of a place of love while other times it remains more covered up. This makes love a process of growth, where we can continue to become more loving beings without it having to be an all or nothing concept.

I just don't want my past experiences to make me cynical about what love is. I'm trying to be true to myself without letting fear decide what I feel.

If anybody else has something to share on this it is more than welcome.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Brian,
You bring up some good points about romantic love and what it is and what it isn't. You are wise to to be careful on how you use the word "love" in a romantic relationship. Sounds to me like you are looking for a romantic relationship, a love that will mature and grow. A love that is unconditional, which is the only way romantic love should be. I am here to say that this is all possible. One key element is becoming friends first and lovers second. I suggest you spend a lot of time talking, finding out who each other really are. Remember, this is not a race, you can take your time. If she is not willing to take her time with you, then maybe she is not ready for the same type of relationship you are.
The other key, is that the other person in your relationship must be seperate from you. What I mean is that she is additive to you, complimentry to you, however she does not fill a void in you.
You must be whole on your own. She must not fill a need that you cannot fill yourself and visa versa, she must be whole on her own and not use you to fill a need which she is not able to fill. Make sense?
"love" is a way of living, it is not simply a moment. "Love" in a relationship is a process, it is beautiful, however it takes effort and very open communication on the part of both people in a relationship.
BTW - I like what you are doing here and I have added your link to my blog.

Brian said...

I agree a relationship that is supposed to fill a void is sure to fail. I feel that I am not in it for that reason, but I find it hard to openly discuss these kinds of things and instead try to figure out what is in the other person's head. Not the best way, I know...

Thanks for the link. I enjoy your blog as well and will link back.