So I really CAN choose how I feel

I've been having lots of discussions about the ability choose how we think and feel. While I can grasp this concept intellectually, that has done little to change my actual experience. This morning I was actually able to consciously decide that I didn't want to feel how I was feeling, and let go of it instantaneously. The situation was pretty insignificant, petty even, but the fact that I was able to immediately change my state of mind gives me confidence that this can be done no matter what the situation is.

I was getting ready for school in the morning, and my mother and I were both getting on eachother's nerves a bit. We get along very well but once in a while something small like this will happen. Anyways, I was about to leave feeling extremely irritated and I saw just how pointless it was to feel this way the entire day over something so small. Immediately I felt the urge to give her a hug and the feeling of anger literally melted away right that moment. Often I'll shrug these feeling off because in my head I'll convince myself that it is petty, but the feeling will still linger. This time it was completely gone and I felt extremely good for having been able to choose that I did not want to leave home feeling the anger.

A Course in Miracles describes a miracle as "a shift in perception from fear to love", and that there are no order in difficulties in miracles, so one is not harder or more possible than another. I really think this describes the situation perfectly, as my perception shifted and my emotional state changed with it. This also means that such a shift in perception is equally possible in any other situation, no matter how big or overwhelming it may seem. If the choice really comes down to our perception, then why should the situation matter? All we have to do is choose a different perception and the situation will improve as a result.

My story remains undramatic but it renews my faith that we really do have a choice. I love when I am able to actually experience the ideas that are often just stuck in my mind.

Trapped inside our own heads

It seems to me that we are victims of our minds. Our thoughts travel from one direction to the other and decide for us how we will be feeling. I know deep down that we can choose what we think and feel, but when the wheel starts spinning it seems to take on a life of its own.

One thing that confuses me has to do with what makes me feel good. When I'm on top of the world, so many positive thoughts are flowing through my mind and they all feed on eachother and lead to new wonderful thoughts. Although this is great, am I not still a victim of my mind, which just happens to be filled with positive thoughts now? The second a negative one comes in, can it not just begin to grow and suck me in with it? I don't think I am in the present moment if my stream of thought is still dictating how I will feel, without me consciously choosing the thoughts that come to me. The more I learn the more absurd our ways of thinking and perceiving seem but I can't honestly say I have done more than begin to chip away at my ego.

I don't want the bipolar ups and downs that come with relying on my thoughts. I seek the peace that comes from watching each thought rise and fall, observing them but not getting caught up in them. I'm so sick of thinking all the time. I wonder how many of the headaches and stomach aches that I get are from the stress of constantly thinking and analyzing and trying to figure everything out intellectually. It makes me think of those characters in movies who are very intelligent but insane at the same time, and I think that this is really what our mind can do to us. We value high intelligence but I think it often can be used against us to keep us further from the truth.

This moment I choose peace of mind. It is not "I think therefore I am". It is simply "I am".

Oh no...falling in love?

I've kept my guard up as long as I could in my current relationship, and now it's beginning to crumble. I've been scared of experiencing the euphoric love of a new relationship, worried that I might fall into dependence, but I'm getting the feelings again and there's nothing I can do. I guess this is a good thing, right?

I can't judge my feelings as right or wrong, they just are. All I can do is stay grounded and not let myself lose focus on all other aspects of my life. Are these feelings great? They sure are. Will they last for the rest of my life? Not likely. But I might as well enjoy this while recognizing it for what it is.

It's beautiful and scary at the same time. Beautiful because of the comfort of having somebody else to share your experiences with, but scary for the exact same reason. Relationships are a wonderful avenue of growth and learning about who you really are, but sometimes they can be so hard at the same time.

I don't want to be jaded about "love" or whatever feelings come with a relationship. Just because they have not turned out well in the past does not mean that I am doomed to unhealthy relationships for the rest of my life.

I choose to surrender this relationship and experience it with no expectations. I choose to let it grow into whatever it will become.

School learning vs. Spiritual learning

I've been having some inner turmoil recently with regards to my education. It seems as though there are two voices inside of me, each fighting for my full attention. On one side is university. I'm doing my psychology undergrad and have quite a ways to go before I'll be out of school. On the other side is my desire to learn and grow spiritually. It seems like the more I focus on one, the less motivation I have for the other.

During the Fall, when I started my degree, I seemed to have such a drive and enjoyed every second of the experience. But the problem is that my mind starts to think in the rational/logical way that they teach us at school. I begin to lose faith, and get more caught up with issues of the physical world. It's difficult when every single thing you are reading, day after day, is all about the brain and all kinds of research that is going on. I really do find psychology fascinating but I don't think learning about neurons and synapses will be useful for raising my own level of consciousness and helping those around me. My intention is to get my masters or PhD in counseling psychology so that I can help other people, but use a more spiritual/healing approach once I am able to start doing therapy. However, it's necessary to get through all the basics before I can get to that point...

In the past few months I began to get back into my spiritual books and meditate more consistently. Now class seems to be more of a drag, and when I'm studying for exams I look for any reason to distract myself. Maybe it's just because the school year is coming to an end, but sometimes I wish I had no responsibilities and could use all my time just to work on myself. Wishful thinking I guess?

I don't know if I'm complaining or ranting or what. But I do know is that I find it hard to balance these two completely opposing perspectives that happen to be the two biggest parts of my life at the moment.

Still, I can't deny that this whole experience called life feels like a great adventure into the unknown. Might as well have fun with it!

Thinking of moving to WordPress

Somebody recommended WordPress to me, so I thought it would be worth seeing what its like. I'm just looking for feedback to see which layout is preferred. If you would be willing to check it out and provide feedback, it would be much appreciated.

http://consc.wordpress.com

FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real

I'm currently reading the Conversations With God Trilogy, and came upon a definition of FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real. I usually find acronyms pretty cheesy but I thought that this perfectly describes that unnecessary torment that we put ourselves through. If we can just remind ourselves of this everytime that fear rears its ugly head, in whatever form, we can return to a place of peace. Some people say that fear is a necessary emotion to tell us when something is wrong, but I don't buy into that. If anything it can teach us that our THINKING is "wrong", in that it doesn't provide us with the complete joy and freedom that we are entitled to. We are all holy. We deserve nothing less than complete freedom from fear, anxiety, and all destructive emotions.

The trickiest part is catching ourselves when the mind starts spiraling into insanity and we feel our bodies begin to tense up. It doesn't take much, maybe a memory or a comment from somebody else, and our mind is catapulted out of the peaceful state it once was in, racing further from the present moment as the thoughts feed and build on eachother. Somewhere in this process of madness we need to say to ourselves:

"Don't believe this insanity. The ego thrives on fear, and wants to keep my perception distorted. I don't have to solve the problems that are swimming around in my head, I only have to remind myself that they do not exist"

The worst thing that we can do is get caught up in it and believe that we have to "solve" all the issues that are coming up in our head. It would be nice if this is possible but there are ALWAYS issues that can come up and stress us out. Life is too full of different people and events for there not to be a single thought you can think of that will be unpleasant. I don't care how important something is to you - the best solution can't come from a place of fear. We are not seeing truth when we are in such a state.

Instead of believing the illusion, move beyond it. Laugh at it. See the absurdity. I think we need a sense of humor in order to laugh at the rubbish we fill our minds with. We are spirit, experiencing reality from a limited perspective. It's all a big game, we can get caught up in its rules or see it for what it is and make it enjoyable. I choose to live in perfect peace and joy, nothing less. We are the makers of our reality, so lets start acting like it.

The Gifts of Addiction

I thought I would write about my own experiences with addiction after reading Mark's posts (part 1, part 2, part 3) about overcoming habits at The Naked Soul . Overcoming my addictions has played a defining role in who I am today, and after working through it I can look back and see the gifts that it had to offer. Loss of control is a very difficult thing to experience, but it forces us to take a look at our lives and make the necessary changes.

Throughout my life there have been many things I have done compulsively for some period of time. I've used the internet to hide from people, binged on food to numb my emotions, and latched on to partners thinking they brought me happiness. What brought me to me knees was my drug use, which started off innocently enough but eventually became my single reason for existing. I was pretty much depressed all the time and lacked any sort of social skills, so drugs provided the solution to both these problems. I would be full of life and energy, and could be around people without self-consciousness completely crippling me. It was my solution, and it worked - at first. I think that us one of the sneakiest parts of addictions, they really do allow you to forget about your problems for a short while. But it's like the credit card companies (which also happened to come after me thanks to my irresponsible behavior during that period), you have to pay back more than you took in the first place. And for me this involved my mind, my drive for life, my education, and my family. I put all these aside so that I could get escape.

My lifestyle didn't last for long. I'm still quite young, but after a few years of this I caved and asked for help. My mother was volunteering at a rehab center and I asked her if she could get me in. Within a couple of days I was packed and ready to go for 4 months. Rehab was probably the hardest thing I had to do in my life, but it was the most rewarding as well. I was forced to open up about my emotions, and learn how to be around people. I would isolate with books while in there but people would point it out to me so I couldn't always get away with it. I was also in a very unhealthy relationship at the time, and really most of my thoughts while staying there were about her, not the drugs. By being separated from her I was lucky that I was forced to deal with two major issues at once.

I left the rehab almost 3 years ago and have been doing wonderfully since then. We learned a lot of spiritual principles there and since then I have been trying to learn as much as I can. It really changed my entire perception of what life was all about - and now I am happier than I ever could have imagined. I've had to deal with a lot of anxiety since coming back out, but meditation, reading, and talking about what is bothering me have all helped me deal with this in a healthy way.

My point here is that the worst of times can bring about the best of times. During great struggles we can learn a lot about who we are. Addiction forces us to make changes if we want to overcome it. I'm extremely grateful because I was put in a position where I had to learn how to be happier or else I would not have made it through. So many people are able to coast through life at a very unsatisfying level but don't have any extreme situation to force them to question themselves.

Here is a list of some simple things that my experience has taught me:

1. It's okay to ask for help. In fact, this is a great thing to do. We need not be alone.
   
   
2. We can't always control what is going on around us, we can control how we react to it.
   
   
3. We need not be ashamed of our past. There are no secrets we need to keep in forever.
   
   
4. Life can be so beautiful if we do not have a distorted perception of reality. Many people call addiction a "disease of perception". I would say any thought that does not make us feel good comes from some kind of distorted perception.
   
   
5. We do not need anything outside of ourselves to be happy.

These are just a few of the main themes that come to mind. Really the whole thing has opened me up to a world of spiritual growth and seeking to learn, or remember, the Truth of who I am. I am glad to have here an avenue of expression. If anybody is experiencing similar loss of control - I know how hard it can be. Remember that it is never impossible to overcome, and there are many lessons waiting for you around the corner.

It would also be great to hear anybody else's experiences or ideas, so please share.